sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
