I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
