You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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