quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
