I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
