it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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