Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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