Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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