I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
