My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
