im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
