oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
