WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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