I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
