Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
