Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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