Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
