I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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