I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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