We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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