my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
