My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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