oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
