This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
