I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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