If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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