here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
