Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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