your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
