Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
