so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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