WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
