I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
