she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
