Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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