I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
