im six kinds of drunk right now
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
