She just used a chaser for red wine.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
