Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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