Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
