yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
