I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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