haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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