the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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