please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
