I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
