Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
