Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
