I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
