M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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